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Recovery and Relationships: The Guy is just the Frosting on the Cake!

The Guy is just the Frosting on the Cake!!!

I had an insight once that I shared with my husband.  I told him that women have it backwards.  Our lives (our interests, our goals, our businesses and our spirituality) – that is the cake.

The guy is just the frosting!

For many years I didn’t know this and therefore, I experienced a few relationships where I was hurt badly.   When a relationship ended, I would obsess over why I wasn’t good enough and beat myself up, over and over.

I was constantly looking for someone to fill up the emptiness inside me and to love me.  If I had been honored and celebrated and approved of as young girl I would not have done this.  I would have known that I was amazing and wonderful.  Instead I was full of fear, doubt and insecurity.

And so when I first began drinking it was a relief.  It takes a lot of effort to be out in the world constantly worrying if people like you, if you made any mistakes, what someone thinks about you.  Alcohol solved a lot of those problems temporarily.  I could take on a different persona.  I could blend in, be more outgoing or more confident.

But those fears never got addressed.  The alcohol just buried them deeper.

Those insidious feelings of unworthiness, or loneliness lead us to look for a man to solve our issues.  If I have him, we think, these feelings/responsibilities/my past will all disappear.

Even worse, the guys we are attracted to are especially inept or downright incapable of validating us.  Without change, we attract what we have already experienced.  Just as our parents may have treated us poorly or didn’t communicate to us our innate value and beauty, the guys we like will have the same deficiencies.

Of course we have to take some responsibility.  We may present ourselves as people pleasers and excuse them for cancelling plans at the last minute.  We don’t mind!  It’s okay!  We present ourselves as carefree drinkers when we really want sobriety and to be at home.

It’s like lying on your resume and saying you have great Excel skills.  You get the job at and then are surprised when they give you spreadsheets to do.  How dare they!

Men aren’t the enemy either.  Many of them are looking for love just like we are.

Getting God involved is a great idea.  Ask Him to bring you the person He thinks would be best.  Looking at the truth and no longer allowing someone to mistreat you is the only way to regain self-respect.

When we look at a picture of a cake, all we can see is the pretty frosting on the outside.  When we cut into it, we can see the structure and beauty of all of the layers.

What is inside is up to you to decide.  And it can be whatever you want it to be.  

Live faithfully,

If you are struggling with a relationship and need support sorting it out please download my FREE action guide for Personal Transformation at

Mal Duane is a Best Selling Author and Personal Life and Recovery Coach who has overcome life challenges using the steps in the Alpha Chick Process. Her personal mission is to help women excel in all areas of their lives from business to personal relationships. Mal has been featured with Fox 25 Boston Morning Show, Aspire Magazine, Healthy Living and Metrowest Daily News. She has also been a featured guest on over thirty Blogtalk Radio shows discussing recovery and personal transformation.

Mal’s book, Alpha Chick, Five Steps for Moving from Pain to Power, is a best selling book and is available on

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